Back at school and uni, I was always the quiet and well behaved student. Educators, I must admit, adored me. Some would misinterpret that and call me "the teacher's pet". Call it what you want, but I know who I was back then. Some students would tease me while others would pick on me. One girl I clearly remember, let's call her The Crow, had some real beef with me back in the fifth grade. She hung around with two girls, Fat Ass and The Giant. At first, we all got along and for some unknown reason, The Crow stopped talking to me. When I confronted her, her response was bluntly "You know too much, the teachers love you, and you're too smart". What sort of ruddy excuse is that? Anyway, this carried on well into the sixth grade to the extent that The Giant & I got into a bit of a scuffle. We got over it eventually towards the end of the scholastic year and we all buried the hatchet. To this day, none of those who are close to me know about that issue. I've kept it buried deep and this is the first time I publicly speak about it.
About 4 or 5 years down the track, Fat Ass and The Giant got into serious issues and I stood by The Giant. True that we both fought years back, but I wasn't going to let anyone, especially a fake bitch like Fat Ass hurt her. Don't ask me why, but something inside me told me that I'd always be close with The Giant. Fast forward another 3 years, and all hell broke loose between The Crow and The Giant. I'm not one to laugh at others' misfortunes, but it was sweet seeing The Crow getting a taste of her own medicine - or should I say eating crow? 14 years on, one of the few friends The Giant has is me and I'm proud to have her as my best friend because true friends overcome their problems and bury them deep in the past where they belong.
This was just a little insight into what high school and uni were like for me. To this day, my parents don't know. I doubt they even suspected anything was wrong. I just stuck to my guns and did what I did best - bottled up everything.
Almost 10 years later and I still haven't learnt my lesson. I've had to deal with everything from botched relationships to the death of a sibling. Even when my sister passed away, I don't think anyone in my family saw me cry, but I did, and still do. I tend to get emotional when pressed about it and when I see how much it's affected my parents, but I've never lost my cool or shown anyone just how much her passing has left a mark on me.
I suppose that over the years, everything has just been built up inside me and still is. I thought that martial arts would help me vent and release all that negativity inside, but so far, it just hasn't worked. My facebook friends tend to complain about my status updates saying that they're quite violent at times and express anger. That may be true, but it's a little hard to open up about these issues to others especially when the only person you trust is yourself. An ex once laughed at me when I told him that I had a dream where I was fighting a group of people. All he said was: "Don't you think you should talk to a professional about it?". To answer his question simply and bluntly - no. I know what brings on the dreams and shitty moods. That's why I've taken to blogging. Maybe getting some things off my chest for the entire world to see is exactly what I need.
