The Relatives

Who doesn't have stories to tell about their extended family? Having lived in a few places, you come across some of the weirdest crap in the form of cousins. My parents brought me and my siblings up with one word and attitude in mind regarding relatives - respect. Unfortunately, they don't share the same sentiments for us. I don't know why, but I've always felt closer to my father's side of the family. We've always dreaded family visits to mum's side of the family especially me.
Here's a little insight for you. I was raised in a small town on the South Coast called Woonona and the closest relatives we had to us were my dad's. My dad's sister, brother, niece, nephews and their respective families were all we had. On the other hand, my mum's sister and brother lived in Sydney. Every Friday night, my dad's brother would come over with his family for dinner, laughs, and football. We would pay them a visit every Saturday for the same reason. It was great and I always looked forward to it. Mum's siblings, in contrast, would only make an effort once a month or once every few months. To be fair, though, my mum's sister would call each night and come over at least once a month. Regardless, we never bonded with mum's side of the family, and let's face it, we never will. My aunt always has something wrong with her and my uncle has major domestic issues with his wife. Their kids weren't half bad - well, some of them at least. Whenever we had to make the 90 minute trip to Sydney, we'd all cringe and start making excuses to mum and dad, but to no avail. 
Twenty odd years, family losses and tragedies later, things have changed quite dramatically. My parents have been back home for just over two and a half years, and it saddens me to have to say this, most of my relatives have let them down when it matters most. My sister passed away in January 2009 and we were surrounded by hundreds of people. This was the only time I had seen ALL my relatives in one place at the same time. No, actually, I lied. There was one other time and that was earlier this year when my grandfather died. That's it. Two deaths brought us together. So, could someone explain to me where the hell everyone else is when our immediate family isn't carking it? Let the stories begin (bear in mind, these stories aren't from my childhood - they're a few years old).
My mum's nephew - let's call him The Wizard -  has always been a maths wiz. Therefore, when The Wizard decided to study mechanical engineering at uni, it wasn't a big surprise. His brother, The Braggart, opted to study accounting in order to teach at local schools and universities. Their youngest sibling, The Brat, also wanted to become a teacher. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm proud to say we have some unique talent in the family, but I'm not too thrilled about the way they treat others, particularly my family. 
There was one particular moment that stands out mainly because I was the target. A couple of years ago, I had an accident and my dad's car got written off. Months later, the extended family was gathered at my Uncle's for lunch. Braggart decided to try humiliating me by calling me a lame driver who couldn't get 200m past her own home. Pretty much everyone who was there laughed, but I didn't keep quiet. My cousin is known for his insurance jobs and writing off his cars for the sake of buying new ones. I pointed out that I worked for one of the sister companies of his car insurance and said I had access to his accidents if I wanted. Then, I boldly said " No matter how many cars I've written off, I'll never catch up to you." That was the last time he or anyone else mentioned the accident. Touché.
As for my mum's nephews on her brother's side, well two of them are absolute stand outs - in other words, dickheads. I'll call one Pussyman (his wife wears the pants) and the other one Noise Pollution. Pussyman is a painter and he was called by my brother a few weeks before my nephew's christening to do a touch up job on the house. I can look past the fact he's a lazy git who spends more time on the phone than with a paint brush in his hand, but I can't get over how big his mouth is. He would speak to my brother and sister in law openly and rudely about my sister. I'm not sure what his problem is with my sister or her family because they've always texted regularly and shared secrets when they were younger. His main point of conversation always centred around her four children. In his opinion, they were spoilt. My nieces and nephews are not angels, but they're definitely not spoilt. My sister knows when to say yes and when to say no. He, on the other hand, has three kids - 2 girls and a boy. I'm not one to call kids names or hold them responsible for their antics, but his kids take the prize for spoilt little runts. They're always asking for more clothes, food, trips to the movies, and a hell of a lot more. Pussyman and his wife take them at least 4 times a week to the movies. So, um, who the hell are you calling my sister's kids spoilt? Arabs are the biggest hypocrites, and we always criticise others for mistakes we have made.
As for Noise Pollution, well, where do I start with him? This guy reminds me of Clyde - an insecure player who thinks he's king shit. Remember how I mentioned that my uncle has major domestics? Well, I happen to think those issues have somehow affected Noise Pollution. He dated a certain girl for over 5 years and everyone had their reservations because she was much younger than him. At the end of the day, they broke up and Noise Pollution's excuse was : "Bro, she was too young." It took you five years to figure that out? Shucks. He's now going out with someone I considered a close friend at one stage, but that all went down the drain. I won't bother going into that because I know for a fact that her change in demeanour has been affected by him. 
The Wizard, Braggart, Pussyman & Noise Pollution were made for each other. Pussyman and Noise Pollution are always over at Wizard & Braggart's house. It's amazing how my parents' home is closer, yet the pigs don't even bother calling in on their aunt. Whenever there's a family function, such as Pussyman's son's christening, every Tom, Dick & Harry is invited - everyone except my mum. I simply don't understand. We've always made an effort for mum to bond with the cousins, but they've always distanced themselves from us. We weren't on their "exclusive" list for New Year's Eve and we certainly weren't invited to their nights out at the casino. The Brat wanted to go to Europe and asked me to go so that my aunt would let her go. This went on for months and when my aunt relented and said : "You can go with your friend", I was out of the picture. It's amazing how they all think.
I'm not bitter, pissed, or spiteful. In fact, I'm actually quite baffled. What have any of us done to them to deserve their treatment? Seriously, I can count on one hand how many times my "awesome" cousins have come over our place. Whenever they do, Braggart is always asking how much I paid for certain appliances and subscriptions. Mate, you have a phone and Internet connection, why don't you get off your baboon arse and ask around? I even get asked about my wages! What the hell is it to you? Your brother makes twice as much as I do. Just because you and your sister are stuck in retail because you can't be stuffed finding jobs, it doesn't give you the right to pry into my business. While you idiots are partying and spending your earnings freely because you live under mummy and daddy's roof, my siblings and I are working our butts off trying to make ends meet and pay off our mortgages. 
In a nutshell, I don't hate my relatives, but I don't particularly like them. I think they're nosy, arrogant, and above all, snotty. My siblings and I couldn't give two tosses about their opinions or anything they do. I'm quite relieved that I don't have to socialise with them, but it breaks my heart because my mum doesn't see too much of them. She says she doesn't care, but knowing my mum, she does. The only thing I can do is encourage her to see her brother and sister as often as possible. Quite frankly, she sees my dad's brother more than she sees her own. At least my dad's brother calls every few days to check in on us whereas mum's brother only calls when someone's kicked the bucket. 
Who needs family, eh?